LISTENING TO: "I'm Yours"
by Jason Mraz
Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some
I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours.
I'm in a very dangerous situation. This is exactly the situation that I've been trying my best to avoid. I'm in the point of my life wherein I cannot afford any more mistakes. One tiny uncalculated step and I'm off the cliff. I mean it.
What's it about this time? Nothing new, really. It's nothing new because... it's about a guy. Yes. How stupid can I get, right? It’s always about a guy. And I'm sick of it. But this time's a little bit more dangerous because... it's a lot like high school.
I've fallen in love only once before and that was in high school - that, I'm sure of. I know people would say when you're in high school, it’' not love. But it was and I know it. I may not act like it most of the time but I’m a big girl now and I know the difference between love, infatuation and just pure delusion. I've experienced the different facets of all three and that's why I know. Anyway, that guy? He ripped my heart off my chest, threw it to the ground, stomped on it several times before renting a van to make it an instant roadkill.
Because of that, I built an emotional armor so hard it made me inaccessible. I mean, I still had crushes after that but there was never anything major. Then came a time when this emotional armor hurt a certain someone that I truly cared for. I felt bad because we became real good friends before we entered a formal relationship. I know he deserved better than what he went through with me. I cared for him deeply and I felt like I could've loved him but when it was nearing that stage of total emotional commitment, I couldn't get there. And I wasn't sure if I wanted to. Okay, mostly I wasn't sure if I could at all. And then just like that, I ended it.
The armor is still on.
But somehow this annoyingly charming guy managed to sneak up on me. The first time I saw him I thought he was cute but nothing special. You know, I usually hate conventionally cute guys because most of them constantly prove themselves to be nothing more than either a jackass or just that - a cute guy and nothing more. But he - that sneaky smart son of a bitch - charmed his way into my heart. Oh God, just having to write that cheesy sentence made me vomit in my mouth a little. I really have no idea why I love him. I mean, yeah he's got that really adorable smile. And sure, he's really witty and smart. And of course, he's really talented. And there's always the fact that he is so charming and sweet. But I think there are guys around us who have equally adorable smiles; guys that are wittier, smarter, more charming and sweeter than he is. But none of them makes my heart skip a beat or two everytime our eyes meet. None of them makes me laugh effortlessly everytime he blushes scarlet. None of them makes me really nervous when he's standing really close behind me. None of them makes me feel so special when he praises me. None of them gave me butterflies in the stomach when our palms met. None of them gained my awe and respect with his hard work and talent. None of them made me squee real hard inside when I overheard him ask someone if I was single. None of them made me laugh everytime he laughs. None of them made me love him more whenever he goofs around. None of them gives me goosebumps everytime he gazes at me. None of them inspires me more to be the best that I can be more than he does. None of them is him. He's the first person I think about from the moment I wake up and the last person I think about before the moment I sleep. We are... so similar in a lot of ways that... in different circumstances, our alliance could've been an undefeated force instead of a neck-to-neck rivalry.
The thing is, I don't need for him to love me back. It's enough for me to just love him and just be with him in any way. To see him happy will make me happy. I'd be satisfied to just be his friend and be there for him when he'll need me. That will be more than enough. That'll last me a million lifetimes.
xoxo
